fallenstrlight

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 08:33:06 GMT

I love you and I want you. Fantasmigoria. There you lie. in my mind... An imperfect perfection in my eye. This secret crush I've harbored on this boat. I am but a stow away. in hiding. Will you ever know. I don't think so... You're too right and I'm all wrong. I'm so afraid of losing you as a friend. If i told you I had a crush on you would it change our relationship. I like you too much to want to leave that. You touched my soul di you know? You gave me an invisible hand. Did you feel me too... You listened to me. I mean actually listened to me. Is it real or are you just a figment of my imagination because you seem too sureal. Maybe your from the sun. So warm and vibrant with life and knowledge that you could be. I hope i don't fuck it up this time. please just leave me be but no rip me even more. You only keep me longing for more. You gave me a bottle of sunshine and let me sit in the fires of hope. i LOVE YOU MORE THAN I will let you know.

It's only been a week and why do I miss him. I'm falling a part and I'm not the only one. So what do I do now. i miss you in Philly. and I hope that you are ok. I want to see you. I imagined what it would be like if we kissed. Then I couldn't stop laughing. I don't know why but it seems so ridiculous. Wich I think that;s why it seems so perfect. i want to be closer to you but I am unable to do such a thing. I suppose I have taken you on as a teacher in a lot of ways. You are really inteligent, way super sexy, and very comfortable. I don't know why I'm feeling like this. I guess it's because the things that I want in myself you seem to already posess so it makes me so eager to be near you in order learn. I must also say you seem like the most sex positive most consentful person i know. I long to be more like that. It draws me nearer to you because I want to be more sex positive and you don't make me feel intimidated or uncomfortable so I feel as though I might actually make some progress with my self in being with you. You are so intriging and gorgeous. But on the other hand I really have nothing of interest for you. I'm not your type for one thing and another I'm not that smart. you definately deserve more than I could offer you. But I still think it would be loads of ridiculous fun. Anyways I wish I was back in Bloomington and I wish we were together but such is things. I will live in this crush inside my head. After all secret crushes can be quite fun.lots of hugs and secret kisses.

Isaac and Melody

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 06:49:03 GMT

Isaac I would like to see both you and Melody and I would love to come to your party and I hope this post makes it your way because I have no way of getting in touch with either of you so hopefully you will see this and respond. I was going to write in your live journal but I felt more comfortable doing it this way. So if you have forgotten about me or if you don't want me there then I guess you could either ignore this message and I would never know the difference or you could respond and then I would atleast know one way or the other what you thought. Either way it doesn't make much difference to me anymore. I do miss the both of you verry much and I still consider the both of you two of my dearest friends but maybe that feeling isn't returned and that's okay too. But I had to atleast try to let you know how I feel the only way I feel that I can. So anyways I hope life is treating you well and that the two of you are happy and I miss you both and love you both very dearly.

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 04:23:29 GMT

OK so I just went on this search for a community on live journal that not only is sensitive but offers support to people who chose to live a vegan lifestyle and I found lots of communities for sensitive people and lots of communities for vegans but nothing that seems to merge the two together. So I think I'll just say it in my own journal. I'm having problems at home because my roommates are making fun of me for being vegan and it hurts. Now I know they aren't serious when they talk about chopping off chickens heads and buying chains and branding animals and what not but they know how I feel about it and I can't get the visuals of it happening out of my head so constantly the nagging. So a house meeting accurred and now everyone is trying to be more sensitive but now everything is just more awkward. It's like they don't know how to interact with people without having to joke about animal cruelty or someone dying coming up in the conversation. Then the gossip begins. And I know what your thinking I'm sitting here on my computer talking about all them too but I don't do it the way they do it. They perposefully jab at eachothers flaws where I just get upset and need to vent sometimes. I want us to be warm and understanding and close but I just don't know if such a thing is possible and maybe I'm just better of living alone. There's more to this story that I'm not telling but It's been running through my head so much that I'm just so tired of it all.

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 03:39:09 GMT

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable in my own house and that sucks. I need to resolve conflict some how but I don't know how to do that. I want to give Brad a chance but I don't know how to do that. I want to throw away my life and just forget about all this stupid shit but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I wish he would be closer to me. I wish someone would be closer to me. I hate this stupid shit. Brad I love you and I miss you. I care about you but I don't want to sleep with you anymore. Is that such a bad thing. I just want to be close to you and hold you and confort eachother but I don't want to have sex. The whole idea of it makes me uncomfortable. I really think it's me because this happened to the last person that I dated. for two whole years we stayed together after a year of being together. Then he broke my heart and he came to me again and apologized but after that I lost the spark of what sex means. I still loved him so I stayed with him but the sex was like a robot and nothing that the two of us said or did would change that. He was really in the mood all the time and I was never in the mood. So when we did have sex is was more of this I want to please you sort of thing but I never really enjoyed it. There really has only been a few times in my life that I really really enjoyed sex and I find that all of those times were either one of two things. Total surrender to the other person or complete anger and animalistic tendencies would come out from that. I feel like the romantic kind of sex or the being with the one you love type of sex is something they only write in fairy tales. but here I am sitting in this room and all I want is someone to hold me. Sex is over rated anyways.

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 10:44:32 GMT

Sad. Really freakin sad. why because my love interest would rather ignore me all week long than talk to me. He doesn't care but then he says he does care so that hurts. Why does he have to lie to me. If he doesn't love me than don't say it so I can forget about it.

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 02:11:32 GMT

Well it looks like I'm moving for definate. My roommate and I got into a fight and now I'm leaving.

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 01:17:15 GMT

Well I'm going to put in my two weeks today. Although it's more like three weeks and not two weeks but that's ok. I can't take off for my birthday on the 20th because I need the money but we'll see what happens. I've been debating what to bring next. My cat won't stop meowing. errr. I think I'm just going to let them know that I'm going to visit my mother for a few weeks then I'm going to raliegh wich is technically true I just always feel bad quitting a job especially one that I really like. I know I shouldn't care but I do care so anyways we'll see what happens I guess. And I also want to go to New Orleans. I just paid for two places of rent for January so technically I'm living in two places. one in raleigh and the other in asheville. I got a speeding ticket so now I have to pay 140 for that. so if I have 100 right now. we'll say my pay check for this week is 150. I haven't looked at it yet so I'm not positive about that. then I get paid again next week. ok so we'll say 4 weeks 150 each week that's 600 +100 that's 700. I have 150 for this weeks rent and 300 for next weeks rent and 140 my speeding ticket. that's 590. So if I actually do I 150 each check and I don't manage to spend any money I should be good for the month. plus it's my birthday so maybe I'll get some money for that. Plus I have to save 250 for a deposit for Chris and 250 for my inspection fee. Plus tip money that I could start saving up for those types of things. I hate money. It would be nice if I could just not worry about it.

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 02:52:00 GMT

Things are unpacked. still lots more to work on once I get back into Asheville. It looks like Pete might be able to help me out with that wich is great. I really like my new roommates. I don't know if I'm ready to leave Asheville still but it looks like I'm doing it so here goes. I feel like painting. My birthday is coming up soon. I don't really want it to though. I think last years celebration kinda bumbed me out about my birthday this year. Maybe it won't be so bad though. we shall see I guess. I am feeling distracted right now. My mind keeps thinking about what paint colors to use in the living room, how much does paint cost, etc. I'm thinking about painting the bookshelf black and painting the walls lavendar. Then I'm thinking what do these colors symbolize and if my house is facing in the right direction to have those colors in my living room. I painted my room yellow. its nice and bright and I like it alot. ok I must go now.

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 01:47:45 GMT

Just started moving stuff into the new house. Things are going smoothly. I made dinner tonight. Still looking for a job. Trying to not go back to Borders. I like Borders but I don't like corporate America and I'd like to avoid it at all costs. Painted my room. I think it looks nice. Bathroom is clean and I still have to unpack. Going to try and round people up to go to this coffee house and try and fill out an application. I love coffee jobs. Please Coffee Gods shine upon me and give me good coffee job. Thank you,
Sincerely,
Mariana

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 21:26:58 GMT

OK so I just finished the pirate picture today and I wanted to write this pirate story with it but when I went to write it I wanted to make the paper look old so I soaked it in tea and it washed all the ink out of it then the paper ripped. So it's back to square one. I'm thinking about not soaking it. I need to finish cleaning my house before I leave on Sunday.

List of things to do
Do dishes
clean bathroom
do laundry
get quarters
take out trash
make bed
finish making journals
get more glue
start to pack up my car
what to bring
bike
everything in closet
art supplies
go to goodwill
fill out application
go to the bank
I need to write an essay for school
fill out fafsa forms aswell

must go to work soon
don't really feel like going though. So I guess it looks like I'm moving back to Raliegh. It really hasn't sunk in yet though. Maybe I'll get hired at Third place and I won't have to go back to corporate america. we'll see. It should be fun in the mean time. Ohh I miss you Brad. (swoon). I am tired. Got off work and now I want to do my art projects but I have cleaning to do around the house. I am going out to get food then to get glue. I am so tired. tired tired tired. sooo busy last night soo busy tonight. don't want to go to work.

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 11:04:26 GMT

Let me see here. I'm trying to piece together my reasons for staying and leaving and what I really want to do.
Asheville Pros
The Mountains
the local shops
sage
a good job
a raise
a mental health collective
Crystal
Food Not Bombs
Vegan food

Asheville Cons
the scene
dudes
no friends

Raliegh Pros
familiarity
Good friends
decent job
coffee
Food Not Bombs
Collective living
Infoshop
Neomonde
Lily's Pizza

Raliegh Cons
Stagnation
no good vegan restaurants
Conservative town
not as many dread heads

So if I could just get my friends to move thier collective space to Asheville, have my work make esspresso drinks, and get rid of the dudes and the scene then I think things would be perfect. I can't make up my mind what I want to do. I don't really want to stay here because I'm depressed becuase I have no friends and it's not like I'm not trying to be friends with people it's just that it seems that people don't want to be friends with me. So I don't know. Why are people so stand offish to me. Do I just have this sign on my head that says don't talk to this person I don't get it. So anyways I could stay here and continue to be lonely and depressed but atleast I enjoy my job and get free food and beer. I like the town. I like FNB. But I miss being around people that don't care how I act or react and just love me for me and eccept that. I don't really have that here so it sucks. People look at me funny sometimes but they just don't know me. I don't know. Should I stay and give Asheville a chance or should I leave and go back to Raliegh or should I leave and go live in New Orleans. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want to do. I feel like I should move back to Raliegh because my friends are in a bind right now. They need a roommate but do I want to go back to a situation that has given me all that it has to offer or do I stay. Dilema. I wish some one would just give me the answers then.

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 07:37:54 GMT

I've been LJ crazy lately. I guess it's because I'm an insomniac right now. I thought about the stove today then I couldn't bring myself to let it happen. I took a warm bubble bath. I love bubble baths. I miss my bunnies. I want to work for Liberty. I think I want to disappear. I think people are weird and alienated creatures and I don't much care for it. Maybe I'm an alien and that's why I don't belong here. I want to go to India. Dharamsala in particular
Let there be spirituality!

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 00:58:29 GMT

I really miss you. Perhaps you don't care. I get the feeling you don't. I would like to see you again but you just disappeared. You blew me off for your stupid girlfriend and why should I care because we were friends or so I thought. But what ever. I give up on on you. If you are unwilling to bend then how can I do the same.

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 12:04:52 GMT

You scored as Anarchism. <'Imunimaginative's Deviantart Page'>

</td>

Socialist

100%

Anarchism

100%

Democrat

67%

Green

67%

Communism

50%

Republican

Nazi

Fascism

What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In?
created with QuizFarm.com

hah who would of thought. I don't see myself as anything but I think labels are interesting

Mental Health Collective

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 02:04:13 GMT

So I've joined this Mental Health collective in an attempt to connect with other people who suffer and try to help eachother out aswell as myself. The first meeting was last monday. Very wierd. The environment was cold and sterile. I felt awkward talking about my feelings in a space that just made me want to leave when I step into the room. We did a go round and talked about our feelings and where we were in life. I didn't have much to say eccept that I have bi-polar tendencies and I have never been on meds and I don't want to be on meds. I think I am going to write a poem and tell people how I feel that way. That way atleast I have a paper in front of me. Then I thought about reading it out loud and how hard that would be. Then I thought about what I would do. Then I got nervous about what to write and the words didn't flow anymore. Instead of letting my feeling come out of me I was so occupied about what everyone thought about those feelings and how everyone would react to those feelings. Then I realized it shouldn't matter what anyone thinks. There my feelings anyway wich makes them unique and special. Then I thought about what if the community looks down upon my words my thoughts my feelings. Then I thought well that's silly. We are here to help each other. The voices in my head tell me I'm worthless. Then the voices outside my head tell me they are liars. So how do I drown the one's that bring me down and let myself listen to the ones that make me happy. How do I step outside this rollercoaster ride. I used to not care so much. I called Habitat in an attempt to rid myself of all the stuff in my life. my dresser. my bedpost. all my clothes. trying to live as minimalisticly as possible. making up a post to put on craig's list. thinking about moving to New Orleans. I could do it. I know I could. burning flesh just to feel again something other than this frustration. Ahh cat just jumped on my lap. Listening to the Rent soundtrack. I love it. Musicals are so much fun. Been bouncing around my house all day long jumping on my couch listening to musical numbers. Missing friends. Went out for coffee. I keep seeing Crystal wich is really the only friend I feel I have in Asheville right now. I feel like I'm bugging her but I really miss company. I'm tired of crying and then I look around and everything seems so grand and all I can do is smile and bounce and jump and enjoy everything. It's like I'm dancing on the sun but then I look down and realize my feet are on fire. So how do I stop this madness. I really want to live in a community where we could just love eachother and look out for each other and let eachother shine for the way that they are and not be afraid of that. I'm rambling now. I really want a cigarrette. I quit. It's been 4 1/2 months. I usually do that though. I won't smoke for like 4 to 6 months and then start over again. I stopped and read over what I had said so far and I am reminded how much I despise my defenses. I know they are there for a reason and that they aren't such a bad thing but I don't feel like I can truely express myself with them there. So how do I find myself free and still feel like it's ok to back off sometimes. Then I remember times when I don't feel this way at all. But not tonight. Didn't sleep last night. Probably not going to sleep tonight. Got FNB tomorrow. Trying to feel some sort of connection in an isolating age. I'm tired of writing.

She is young: two lost souls crossed echothers path

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 00:23:15 GMT

She is young. DElving into experience life as she knows it. Not wanting commitment. Atleast not in the sense as you see it. Your flesh and blood that binds you physically to eachother. Jealousy. Confusion. Where does it begin for the two of you. Why does it mean soo much to you. She is young I say she is young. Having fun indulgences, staying up past midnight, drinking, sensuality, drugs, free spirited, letting go, giving in. She touched another. Does that make her not care. You drifted from the scene. Does that mean you do not want to be with her. Look inside yourselves for there is beauty. Look around you for there is a world out there that loves you both. Sometimes we must hit the floor to know where we've been standing this whole time. You had fun too you know. But the luster is dissapating now. All that is left is what you still hold on to in your minds eye wich I can only assume that you are afraid of lonelyness as most people are. There is something grand in being with someone you love. connection. security. feeling special to be chosen to be with. To look into eachothers eyes and feel this utter joy in your heart that you just can't hold onto anymore. So you let go and it flows right through you again in a million microscopic pieces. I used to love one special someone. That was enough for me. Now I don't know how I could go back to that. I feel now that Love is not defined or felt any less when the person you love is not bound to you but instead is free to go about thier life. Knowing that they are free, knowing that they are happy truely is true love in my eyes. It matters not to me who's skin is touched but that we enrich eachother's life in different aspects. Perhaps the fun is over for you. Perhaps your path's do not meet again. She is young my friend. She is young. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't care for you. She may not know herself how she feels yet in wich case she is unable to talk to you about it. You may not know quite how to express your boundaries and your feelings well in wich case she is unaware of your stance on things. She could very well want something you can not give her. You sound as though you want something more than she can offer you. But that may be ok. Maybe the mere fact of being with her and the fun you two have may be enough. Talk to each other communication is one of the most important things that cause people to stay connected. Look inside your self. Meditate. Take long walks Draw Paint Dream. Remember there is always options in life. Out of love and Respect I pray for you two. I pray not that the two of you neccessarily come together again but that the two of you find your paths and if they cross then that is wonderful but if they don't then that's ok too.

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 19:47:13 GMT

There was a man siiting at the corner. His should padded coat worn and torn. Grey in color long like something you would find a thrift store. Blue pants with a whole at the knee. sitting with tears in his eyes singing. Singing a song of hope. His eyes seem to sparkle. Whether the smile on his face or the tears in his eyes cause him to shine like that I do not know. An older man he was. Curiously lost or perhaps found in the dim lights of that street. I knew you once. I will know you again. The busy day consumes the passers by unnoticed the man continues to sing. Sparkling hope on the busy street. People go unnoticed people everyday go unnoticed. I knew you once We will meet again. How do sparkle so much and yet those who stand beside you see nothing. Continue in your daily routines cry scream dream still they wouldn't see you. Why are we so caught up not to see those who stand before us. Why do we turn away to ourselves and leave those behind that shine. Is there something we could learn from this? Perhaps it is you who are so lost in your own life that when confronted with this vibrant luster you can't handle it so you run away. You run away to find some else more desirable to your personal needs. For what one moment of complacence. Don't you think we should help eachother. Don't you think that we should hold up our hands and give some one a hug instead of running from ourselves and our mind. But that would be too much effort. So lost yourself to help anyone else. Did it ever occur that maybe we all need help sometimes. That maybe we all need love that it makes more sense to hold out our hands in friendship than to run from our own feelings our own lives ourselves. How does one go about destroying an entire system hell bent on destroying the self. Isolation, controlled your head stole your sole sold on ebay. For what I ask. How do you stop the machine from ticking and tell everyone to stop hurting each other and to open up and give each of us a hand up. Why do you criticize so much this poor man on the street as he sings

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 19:20:23 GMT

thinking of christmas presents. I want to make a pirate painting. Brad loves pirates so I think I will take a pirate story and print it out and burn the edges and do a painting related to the story. I can't find a good one that catches my eye though. Still working on it. Any ideas?

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 04:11:23 GMT

Creative juices of Orange marmalade and strawberry coctail flowing through my blood. Coursing the viens. The breath of life that touched my soul. Walking amoung the dead corpses and posessed minds of those gone blind by the the watchful eye mind numbing flashesof light and sound compound. One low price for this device. Stumbling through the twenty four hour cycles gone by and stil to come... I saw you standing there looking through the rose colored glass. Scorched blood stained and alive. How do you thrive? This maze This web we weave or has it always been What is this strange and foriegn land surounded by flesh and blood physical in form spiritually bound by this and Lost. The spiral that sends me down has led me to where I am today. In this sea of amazing doubt of this alien nation. When will we build the walls of friendship and put down the walls of war. Will we ever meet eye to eye in this ever changing self perpetuation hate machine of comsumerism. Built tall out of this silent person's mind Magazines of beauty news of fear disillusionment of self ownership you are what you own today. This soul longs to be freed. How does oneself distinguish anything when the life it is surrounded by wants everything but.. This life This soul. I long for another world. I long for love for compassion for anything at all but what I see in front of me. Please take this from me please give me life and love and happiness deep and true happiness. This lost soul is tired and weary in the cold dead of winter. The chill The breeze. I don;t know how long I can keep trudging. Take my life for it means nothing. Take my soul for it means everything. Take this placeremove the space and it will continue with out me. How does one drown the voices inside my head. The ones I can't seem to fade away. They tell me I'm miserable They tell me I'm worthless They tell me I'm selfish. And I believe them all. So how do I find the life and let go of my own attatchments. How do I find true love in this world and hold on to it with every breath and not be afraid to let it all go and feel the existance and the purple marmalade sky The pink palasades of life and love of breath and death of cuddle piles of dumpstering of freedom of expression of anti corporation tendencies of finding love and finding self of you of me and everything in between. I will continue this fight and not because you said so or anybody did but simply because I believe in what has not happened in this life time. Of something I don't think will ever happen on a broader scale but of something with in everyone's heart just longing to come out. Longing to touch longing to feel longing to believe in. Tumbling down hills and Picking wild flowers and building bonfires and destroying banks and taking in all the little things in life that make us smile. Smiling.... Something so simple and so wonderful at the same moment. I have fallen in love

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 11:10:14 GMT

Just got off of work. Life seems dull. So here I am I get up and do the things that life has me doing but for what. What is it all for. For nothing that's what. There's no point to it all so why bother. I don't know. I guess just something to hold on to. Something to give all this time and energy you've spent meaning in a non meaningless existance. Anyways I'm here so I'll think I go to bed. Good love. I miss you more than anything right now. :*

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 11:16:09 GMT

Lets see here. I feel lost but not the ordinary lost where you don't know which way you are going or heading or pulling or pushing but the out of the ordinary lost that pulls your mind and your thoughts into so many directions that by the time you have some glimpse of understanding or so you think then you find you are no where but where you started in the first place. So I sit and I stare. stare back into this empty void. this space to be filled with nothing but empty regrets or the constant paranoia of doing or saying the wrong thing. How did I become so closed. I long to reach out and touch something anything. I want to feel again. It almost makes me want to be on the brink of death once more. That was the time I felt most alive. Lost in my own skin losing sight of the obvious. For just one touch of bliss. Speak to me that wonderful sound. To taste the sky again. To hold the stars in the palm of my hand. Drenched from the showers blinded by the sparks I fall down to my knees that day It was too much too much for anybody and now I sit and I type and long for another moment of bliss or to die here and never again see what I once saw. How do you go on. Where does the strength come from what if you find yourslef living for the world but nothing else. What if you can't look into the mirror and be happy with what you see. So youstopped doing drugs ehh. well maybe there's other crutches for you now. Staggering through this fucked up maze so called life. All I see is hell painted flowers and music. Give me love. Give me comfort. Give me anything but suffering. Give me a fucking Give a damn. Every breath that I breath tell me that it's worth every breath. tell me this. Or is everything in vain. Or did I find my way only to lose it again. Or perhaps there was no way to begin with. just a maze with no particular direction to head to. many different paths and journeys and experiences around every bend of the bush. You'll find me covered in snow of white. Pure and innocent to the eye. Inside the mind turns blind. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to know what I know. How do I let go How do I cope. Sell me now. Name your price. Does it matter. Dead and trying to find the right shade to explain the pain. Eggplant Crimson Peprika Apple Blossom Cherry Sunset Periwinkle Rouge Bang Pop what ever happened to me I don't knowI loved but it wasn't good enough. I fell but the ground stopped my fall. Oh mother earth you waited for me didn't you. I'm at the end of string now. How much longer will you taunt me. When will you let this sunken heart fall. Let me be at peace for once. Let me scream and cry and in this bit of rage let me find my piece of mind just this once again.

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 10:23:34 GMT

let's see today I cleaned out my CD's and got one of those big cd holders. it's nice because now I can get rid of my big cd tower in my room. So it's off to the pawn shop tomorrow. Laundry needs doing soon. What new mind discoveries have I encountered. Let's see. I am way too emotional for my own good sometimes. I'm clingy with out meaning to be clingy some times. I wish I could just be happy and be happy with the fact that I'm happy. I have no clue what I'm doing with my life. I get these carzy ideas of things that I want to do but I have no real concrete application of how to even begin going about seeking out these wild imaginative dreams of mine. I wish for a better world that I see in every thing around me. I see people and long to hold each and every person. I love to be there for the ones I love. OK. I've been at work and I can't type bc of my carpal tunnel so I'm giving up on this journal entry.
goodnight.

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 00:47:47 GMT

I am depressed. I don't know what I am doing with my life and I don't know where I am going with my life. I am barely scraping by to pay the bills. I am learning to be a self defence instructor I miss my friends in Raliegh. I miss working at Borders. I miss my aunt if you could believe that. She said that she would help pay for my gas if I decided to come see her. I really miss Brad too. I finally made a friend in Asheville and she is in Florida. I want to go back to New Orleans. I don't want to celebrate christmas this year but I really want to be with my family. Most of all I want to be with Brad right now. I miss being in his arms and hearing his voice. I could go to state and get a degree in social work there. maybe there will be a spot for me in thier house wich would make me very happy. I'm getting sick of my roommates but it really has nothing to do with them it's just hard for me to live with people. I don't think I like Asheville very much and I don't think I belong here anymore. But I don't think I really belong anywhere anymore. I just want to be happy but I don't know how to make myself happy. I just want to be around people that I know and that I love and I don't feel like I can do that here. depending on when I work next I may just leave on sunday and go see my aunt and Brad. That would make me happy. I feel like I'm going crazy here. I think I need to enroll myself in school this weekend. I think I need to apply to NC State. I could do that while at my aunt's house online and I could go down to wake tech and get them to send my transcripts. I think that would make me feel better. And I could try to get a job at the high school. Maybe I should call the United Way now and find out how to do that. But wait they are closed right now. I don't know if they are open on weekends either but I don't think so.

Cat Fight

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 11:27:42 GMT

My room mate and I got into a fight last night. I'm still shaken up by it but she acts as if nothing happened. It really hurts me because of the way she talked to me last night not even necessarily anything that she said. Although comparing the way she doesn't like me to say rape and I don't like her to say bitch I didn't agree with being the exact same thing and I really would like to be able to clarify as to why I feel that way because I feel like she doesn't understand my reasoning or situation. Also I think that if she really doesn't like the word rape then she shouldn't like the word bitch either because of it's demeaning nature. In my opinion the word rape is not a word that is demeaning but bitch is a word that is demeaning. the word rape means an action that is a horrible action yes but by simply saying the word doesn't make the action acur but I feel that by saying the word bitch to somebody that in itself is the action. you are calling someone something that has been used in our history to demean women and yes maybe it's meaning is slowly changing but the meaning is still very prevelant in our society and untill all women are free than I don't think that it's a word that should be used lightly. Furthermore I have no problems using the word bitch out of context. But Laurel cringes and cries when I say the word rape. Also and I think this is what desturbs me the most is the tone of her voice when she asks me not to say it. She doesn't simply just ask me she tells me. When I ask her not to use the word bitch I say I would appreciate it if she didn't say that word in front of me but when she asks me to not say the word rape then she says don't say the R word in a very confrontational tone towards me wich causes me to feel very awkward and very scared and then when I was trying to have a conversation about going to self defense classes and learning them I completely lost focus as to what I was trying to say because I was so preoccupied in my mind about what I shouldn't say. It wouldn't have been like that if Laurel would simply ask me politely and nicely not to use the word. I found it rather controlling and now I am afraid. I am completely afraid of my roommate because of the way that she talked to me and the way that she seems completely uneffected by it wich causes me to believe that she just doesn't care. Maybe aggressive behavior is apart of her behavior but never in my life have I ever raised my voice to anyone eccept last night and that does have an effect on me. I don't want to live in a house where I'm afraid of the person that I live with. I'm not saying that I'm perfect because I'm not. I didn't react in the best way either. Instead of getting frustrated over the whole thing I should have just confronted you then and there and asked you nicely to not talk to me like that. Also when it did effect me and you got aggressive and defensive I shouldn't have edged you on by being aggressive back wich has never happened to me before. I don't like it. Not one bit. I want to appologize for that. I know that I can't live in a house where I feel as though I am being controlled and I know that I can't live in a house where I am afraid of the people I live with. That's not a home. I don't ask for your empathy but I do ask for your sympathy. Also when ever I ask you to do anything I never expect anything in return meaning I don't expect you to follow my wishes of not saying the word bitch. I ask you not to but I also understand that you are a free individual who has the right to say, do and act the way you feel like it. I would never intentionally try to hinder you in anyway so with all that said I think my mind can finally rest from the frustration that last night has caused me. Again I am sorry and I don't expect this to change anything but I felt that I had to say it and I wanted to say it to you.
love
mariana

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 11:04:46 GMT

Your Heart Is Red

You're a passionate lover - you always have a huge fire in your heart.
Too bad it's hard for you to be passionate about just one person!

Your flirting style: Outgoing and sexy

Your lucky first date: Drinks and dancing

Your dream lover: Is both stable and intense

What you bring to relationships: Honesty

What Color Heart Do You Have?